More Humour For Public Speaking - Making Fun Of Stupid People

40 TERMS FOR THE STUPID:

A few clowns short of a circus.

Dumber than a box of hair.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off her cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay her brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.



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Using Humour For Your Next Presentation - Public Speaking

Test humor is humor that is placed in your written introduction. It is to be read by your introducer, not by you. Pick a couple of these lines and stick with them. The real value of test humor comes when you have heard the same line being delivered in your introduction over and over. The laughter of the audience will tell you if they are ready to laugh. This concept is called "in fun" (see Wake' em Up Business Presentations for a complete explanation.)

NOTE: The "?" is for your name, and most of these pieces of test humor can be used for either male or female presenters

? is one of the greatest speakers ever and that's just not my opinion, it's his/hers too. Let's welcome ? (lead enthusiastic applause)

It has been said that ? is the number one man/woman in the field of ???. And here folks is the man/woman who said it. Let's welcome ? (lead enthusiastic applause)

The man/woman I am about to introduce is so full of ideas I have heard him described as a manic EXPRESSIVE. Let's welcome ? (lead enthusiastic applause)

? is a man/woman who helps people. In fact, he/she would never turn someone away from his/her door if they needed help ...He/she would let them sit there all day if they wanted to. Let's welcome ? (lead enthusiastic applause)

Some people believe that ? is one of the greatest business speakers alive today....Of course some people believe in the Easter Bunny. Let's welcome ? (lead enthusiastic applause)

?'s discussion of (subject) will be very enlightening. She says that after her talk you will still be confused, but on a much higher plane.

? says she is going to speak and hopefully you are going to listen. If you finish before she does, please raise your hand.

? says she will be happy to answer any questions you might have as long as you don't ask, "Why did you bother to come here?"

Although she eventually became a model ? says she wasn't the cutest child. In fact, her parents threw away her kindergarten photo and framed the negative.

? says she doesn't read Fortune, but she has eaten a lot of their cookies.

? says she wants to fly to Hawaii for a second honeymoon and she's getting her husband to drive her to the airport.

? says their are seven ages of women: Baby, infant, Jr. Miss, Young Woman, Young Woman, Young Woman and Young Woman.

? Says the best years of her life were the ten years between 29 and 30.

? Says he was a war baby. His parents looked at him and started fighting.

? Says he was born during the great depression. Not the countries. His mothers.

? Says she will give you in length what she lacks in depth.

She/he wants you to think of her/his talk as the horns of a steer. A point here, a point there and a lot of bull in between.

For all female audience:

? says diamonds are a girl's best friend and dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex has more sense.

? says a businesswoman has to be twice as good as a man. Fortunately, that's not hard to do.



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Quick Tips On Starting Your Speech ...

If you are naturally funny, by all means start with a joke. But for most of us, starting with a joke is a poor idea. Why? Because jokes depend upon perfect comedic timing. But, it's difficult to have perfect timing when you are nervous.

Since nervousness usually strikes during the first 60 seconds of your speech, that is the worst time to try a joke. So, what else can you do to grab your audience's attention?

One of the best methods is to recite a startling statistic, famous quote or personal anecdote that relates directly to your speech. Also, if you are using Power Point, you should display this information on your slide.

Here are some tips for using a statistic, famous quote or personal anecdote to start your speech:

1. Statistics: For example, I begin my public speaking workshops by saying, "55% of people are more afraid of giving a speech than dying!" That grabs people's attention and makes them want to learn my technique for dealing with fear of public speaking. So, where can you find startling statistics? One place is the US Government's site at: www.fedstats.gov. For Canada, you can check Statistics Canada at www.statcan.ca/start.html

2. Famous quotes: Here is a great online resource for quotes: www.quotesandsayings.com

3. Personal anecdotes: Here is a secret: start your story in the middle of the action i.e. "I am trapped! Yet another Power Point presentation! My eyes are about to glaze over. I am so bored!" By starting in the middle of the action, and gradually giving more details. you will captivate your audience's attention.

Begin your speeches the simple, easy way. Start your presentation with a startling statistic, famous quote or an interesting anecdote. Grab your audience's attention and set the stage for a great presentation!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mike_Aoki

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